For overlooked abuse victims, helping hands

When everything you do is wrong, something isn’t right; when the fist comes down again, and it’s all your fault, something is wrong.

While the maxims are simple and true, the hardest part of being in an abusive relationship may not be recognizing it, but getting out of it.

“It was hard for me. You don’t get married thinking you’re going to be abused,” said Ealorise, 54, who left home after her husband became not only violent, but stalked her at work and limited access to vehicles and family. “I’d go to work and I’d be two different people. Sometimes I’d just go to the parking lot during the day and cry. He controlled me in every way. I let him take my power. I relinquished it to him. Then, one day, I just had the final straw.”

Ann, 33, understands. She split up with her boyfriend almost six months ago after the relationship kept getting more violent.

“I would have these bruises on my arms. Sometimes I wanted to tell someone and just wished someone would ask me ‘are you all right?’ or how I got that bruise.”

Sometimes the evidence of abuse goes unnoticed, even when it’s staring others in the face.

“He beat me up the day before a hearing and I went to court with a black eye: No one noticed,” Ann said. “He used to choke me a lot and I’d have these bruises on my neck that looked like his hands. Nobody asked.”

Often forgotten

Neither Ann nor Ealorise made the news. No one knew their stories. That’s typical.

“We don’t talk a lot about the small cases, the everyday events that make up abuse. We only think of abuse when someone gets hurt or killed, but it’s there every day,” said Cartie Lominack, director of the Shelter for Help in Emergency. The Charlottesville-based regional agency provides protection, education and support to turn abuse victims into survivors. “Abuse is emotional, verbal and physical.”

Shelter staff members are working throughout October, Domestic Violence Awareness Month, to get out information about abuse and about victims’ options.

They’ll hold a candlelight vigil, including song and poetry, at 7 tonight at Jackson Park to commemorate those killed by abusers. The staff also will be at the Free Speech Monument, also known as the chalkboard, on the Downtown Mall to answer questions from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. today. And on Nov. 7, runners will join staff in the 13th annual 5-kilometer Run for Shelter.

One reason for the effort is that domestic violence can be difficult to understand, Ms. Lominack said. People wonder why abused partners don’t “throw him out” or “just pack up and leave.” It’s not always that easy.

“At first, when he’s checking up on you or picking you up at work or mad because you’ve talked to someone else, you think ‘that’s sweet; he doesn’t want to lose me.’ In reality, he’s a control freak, but you don’t see that,” Ann said. “By the time you realize what’s going on, you’ve been cut off from family and friends and your self-esteem is gone.”

“[The abuse] doesn’t start right away. He’s very charming at first and then it starts little by little,” said Ealorise. “If you don’t have high self-esteem to begin with, it just builds up on you.”

‘It saved my life’

The shelter proved a lifesaver for Ealorise, who left her home for the shelter’s security more than two years ago and has since put her life back together. Ann did not go to the shelter, but used its resources, including counseling, advocacy and support during court hearings.

“It saved my life,” Ealorise said. “It gave me a place to go, to be free, to reflect back and to decide on a different path that I wanted to take and, hopefully, would never go back to where I’d been.”

“I realized I wasn’t the only one going through all this stuff,” Ann said. “That made a big difference, knowing I wasn’t alone. I don’t know that I could have gone through it without their help.”

The road, however, is long. Even after they left, both Ann and Ealorise have had experiences with stalking, threatening calls, voicemails and text messages and violated restraining orders. Neither, however, has regretted her decision.

“I’d given up everything I liked to do and now it’s like getting myself back,” Ann said. “I have my freedom now, and you don’t know how important that is until someone takes it from you.”