Grand human race defies fox threat

An angry gray fox that allegedly leaped at the studious students, attacking two, stealing a sweater and sending hundreds of Cavaliers scurrying for safety through the briars and the brambles where a rabbit wouldn’t go has been captured.

Whether it was the fox, no one knows. But it has been killed, its head lopped off and its brain is being checked for rabies. Traps were set for urocyon cinereoargenteuses and its red-furred cousin, vulpes vulpes, to protect We, the Superior Species.

No way to prove it

Although the hunt’s been called off, it’s important to note that there’s no way to test for fox DNA to prove that fox captured was fox assailant. To assure our safety, we would have to continue trapping, killing and testing, but that’s OK.

There’s enough wildlife at UVa without allowing wild animals at Lambeth Field and on the Lawn.

It’s unnatural to have so much nature so close to mankind.

There are deer running amok in backyards across this town, grazing ’round the house, munching the hostas, delighting in day lilies and dining on expensive plantings. They force gardeners to cast nets and build walls around plants and flowers. They stand in our streets late at night and force our children to slow from 60 mph to 40 on dark residential streets as the kids hurry home from parties.

Life in the city should be safe from unsavory animals, but instead we are forced to deal up close and personal with critters we normally wouldn’t touch with anything but a steel-belted radial.

Already this year I have had two homeless opossums sleeping in my trash can, two skunks digging up yellow jacket nests in my backyard, three raccoons skulking about the mailbox and four neighborhood cats stalking birds beneath the patio feeder.

It is time to take back our Bible-authorized dominion over this planet, its plants and animals by shoving the foxes, the raccoons, the opossum, the deer, the coyote out of our cities and suburbs and back onto the game and wildlife preserves, state parks and reservations where they belong!

Manifest destiny! Let us prove our species’ superiority by doing what we’ve done best for thousands of years: Let’s eat ’em all!

Deer are yummy and although it’s illegal, they can be easily hunted in backyards throughout the city. Trade the high-powered rifle for a shotgun and the odds of collateral damage to neighbors decrease. That’s good, because there are few recipes commercially available for joggers or dog-walkers.

Dinners out of critters

On the other hand, there are thousands of recipes to make tasty dinners out of critters and any number of Web sites to provide recipes.

For instance, at Cooks.com, we find that opossum can be baked or roasted, usually with sweet potatoes or yams and red peppers.

Raccoons are good baked and stuffed with apples, barbecued, corn-fried or fricasseed.

Skunks can be deep fried and served with a dandelion salad, or roasted or baked, but don’t forget to remove the scent bag!

Squirrels are good braised, smoked, broiled, fried, fruited and cooked with honey and apple cider.

Besides chucking wood, woodchucks reportedly are edible if stewed or in a meat pie. Chipmunk recipes include a turnover-style dessert, and one Web site states that cats are tasty when roasted in beer.

Now is the time to act! We cannot take this fox affront without swift retribution. Now is the time to show Nature that humans are boss. Now is the time to pick up our spatulas and make a statement by eating the enemy.

Just wait until I take this tongue out of my cheek.