Moving forward, looking back

At the height of a nightmarish spring — which included one of his players being charged with murder in the death of a women’s player, and then, shortly after, losing his father to an illness — Virginia men’s lacrosse coach Dom Starsia admits he gave brief thought to numerous options, including walking away from the sport that he had coached for over 30 years.

“I would say that in the course of those [weeks], everything crossed my mind,” the 58-year-old Starsia told The Daily Progress this week. “But I don’t think I ever seriously entertained thoughts of retiring.

“There was a period where I did feel like, ‘What I’m doing here is really important.’ I felt like that with everything that had happened, the players were looking at me closely. I felt like what I do for a living had even more value this spring than ever before. It just reminded me of why I do this — for the relationship piece of it.”

It was on May 3 that George Huguely, Starsia’s former player, was charged with first-degree murder in the death of Virginia women’s player Yeardley Love. Four days later, Starsia’s father, Dominic, passed away after a prolonged illness at the age of 86.

After deciding to continue its season, Virginia won its first two games in the NCAA tournament before losing to Duke in the semifinals, held in Baltimore on Memorial Day weekend.

Since then, Starsia has been helping out friends and former players at lacrosse camps around the country.

He’s also had the chance to spend more time with his wife, Krissy, and two of his daughters, Maggie and Emma, who have minor mental disabilities. “A lot of what we went through in the spring was so much family-related. My concern, even at the end of the season, was what effect it was going to have [on them],” Starsia said.

While Starsia didn’t come right out and say it, clearly the summer respite has been beneficial — for both him and his family.

“Nothing goes away completely,” said Starsia, who has maintained his close relationship with Virginia women’s coach Julie Myers during the offseason. “Have you gotten over it, have you gotten better? I’m not sure we’re ever going to be quite the same, but we’re better I think.

“It’s an ongoing process, but things are going OK.”

That’s something Starsia probably couldn’t have said two months ago. In the media maelstrom that followed the Love tragedy, there was speculation that Starsia might be in danger of losing his job.

In 2006, Duke coach Mike Pressler had been terminated due to his players’ off-the-field actions, and there was a feeling that Starsia, the face of the storied Virginia program, might meet the same fate.

However, Virginia Athletics Director Craig Littlepage says the subject of removing Starsia and starting anew was never broached.

“I was not thinking in those terms, and Dom and I never had conversations like that,” Littlepage said. “That’s about all that I would be able to say — that was not something that I was tracking on.”

Still, Virginia players heard rumblings regarding Starsia’s future.

“He endured a lot of scrutiny during the spring and it was definitely difficult for us to move forward as a team, just seeing him struggle with that,” said Max Pomper, a senior on last year’s squad. “I definitely think that was unfair. Anybody who’s been through our program and connected with the university of Virginia knows how well-respected Dom is. Coaches from other programs and other sports come to Dom for their own support.

“As players, we look up to Dom. He’s our guy, our father away from our dads. He’s a great man, a great guy with a great moral compass — and a great guy to spend four years of your life with.”

While the pressure on Starsia certainly seemed overwhelming during the crisis, the coach never felt as he if was in jeopardy of losing his job. In fact, he says it was the opposite.

“I was surprised at how genuinely supportive the administration was,” said Starsia, a New York native who spent 21 years at Brown University as a student and coach prior to joining Virginia in 1992. “I’m not a UVa guy. In some ways, you feel like, ‘I’m not a boy of the South,’ so to speak.

“But you’d like to think what you have done has been noticed and appreciated by folks. I think that was the case this spring, and I think the administration was consistently supportive. That was one of the best things that came out this spring — from Craig Littlepage and higher up. In every instance, you felt like they had our best interest at heart.

“They were trying to find out answers to everything too, but they generally were appreciative of what we have done here and supportive of what we were trying to get accomplished.”

Starsia also received backing from countless colleagues, former players and people with ties to the program. He says their interest in his well-being was touching.

“I’m not generally somebody who asks for or accepts help very easily,” Starsia said. “It may be a flaw.

“But this spring, lots of people who I’ve known for a long time, kind of came out out of the woodwork... their support was much appreciated, and it was also a reminder that what you do is of some value.”

Littlepage says there has never been any question about Starsia’s value.

Starsia, who has led UVa to three national titles, is one of only three coaches in the history of the sport to win 100-plus games at two different schools. In 2008, he was inducted into the National Lacrosse Hall of Fame.

But Littlepage and Virginia officials also point to Starsia’s off-the-field contributions, which includes work with the Special Olympics and annual blood drives.

“That’s just a snapshot,” Littlepage said. “He’s been a great community spirit and somebody who believes in this university and believes in the young people who are part of his program.

“[He] has a tremendous impact on the young people not just while they’re here, but after they’ve graduated.”

Pomper, a captain on last year’s team, credits Starsia for helping him become the person that he is today.

“Basically, I came in as a fresh-mouthed 18-year-old kid from New York, and I left as a man — and Dom’s a big reason for that,” Pomper said. “When I grow older and have kids, I’m sure I’ll be teaching them the lessons that Dom taught me while I was at Virginia.”

One of those lessons could be forgiveness.

It was just a couple of weeks after Love’s death, amid a bevy of difficult questions, when Starsia was asked one that he truly had no answer for — would he have any future relationship with Huguely, the 22-year-old who is currently in jail awaiting his next court date?

Starsia is still racking his brain on that one.

“I think about it all the time,” he said. “What happened haunts me. I do think that someday we’re going to have to learn to forgive in this instance.”

Court documents show that Huguely admitted to police that he had an altercation with Love the night her body was found by friends in her apartment. Huguely told investigators that he remembered shaking Love and seeing her head bang against a wall, according to the papers. His lawyers have described the situation as “an accident with a tragic outcome.”

Because of his father’s death, Starsia wasn’t able to attend Love’s funeral. However, he says one of the themes from the service was relayed to him.

“I was struck by the priest or minister saying that we’re all going to have to forgive,” Starsia said, “but at the same time saying that everybody might not be ready for that yet. And I think that’s where I am, really.

“I think that someday we’re going to have to come to terms with this, forgiveness-wise, but I don’t really know exactly where I am on that scale yet. ... I haven’t had any contact with George, but it’s not impossible to imagine that somewhere down the road we’ll try and see if we can do something about that.”

Starsia knows one thing for sure — he’s not about to walk away from Virginia. Not any time soon, at least.

“I’d certainly be the first to admit that I’m closer to the end of my career than I am to the beginning,” he said, “but I still love it and I’m absolutely excited right now about starting up again.

“And I know the players feel the same way, strangely enough. As long as that continues, I’ll keep going.”

Groundballs

Starsia said that Marc Van Arsdale, his longtime associate head coach, was a “very serious candidate” for the Maryland head-coaching job that eventually went to Harvard’s John Tillman in June. “For a while there, I thought we were definitely going to lose him,” Starsia said. “It’s hard to imagine Marc not being here. I don’t think there could be a better relationship between a coach and an associate head coach than the one I have with Marc on and off the field.” Van Arsdale’s son, Owen, who starred at St. Anne’s-Belfield, is set to play for Virginia this fall. ... While Starsia didn’t lose Van Arsdale, there is a chance he could lose John Walker. The UVa assistant coach has had discussions with Rutgers, Penn and Brown about joining their staffs, Starsia said.